The JOKES postage

Hi chess players!

Do you guys knows any good joke,(please no poors or dirty ones).

If you do place and enjoy the others.

Regards.

This is the general forum, not the chess forum. Here's the only joke I know about chess. It is pretty poor but I take the liberty to break that rule since you addressed us as chess players.

-I have taught my dog how to play chess.

-Oh man! Your dog must be incredibly smart!!!

-Not really. I beat him in three out of four games.

I think we've been rooked.

OK, here's my joke:

The young apprentice went to his master and asked him: "Which is the best game man made?". The old master though a little bit and said "It's chess I guess, no?". "What about go?" came the next question instantly. "Aah, go was already here!"

There was once a statistician who refused to fly on airplanes because he had calculated that the risk of a bomb on the plane was too high. But then one day, he realized that the risk of two bombs on the plane was low enough to be acceptable. So, from then on, he just brought his own bomb on board.

lol thx Crelo and David that i could have laughed till the stomachache:))

Three fellows went elk hunting up in Alaska and they were flown into a remote lake by a bush pilot who left them at the lake and said, "I'll be back on Sunday and remember the limit is one elk." So he flies back on Sunday and finds the fellows out on the dock of this lake with three elk, their hats on backwards, and obviously they are very happy because they were very lucky. He pulls up and says, "I told you only one elk," and they said, "Well last year you told us only one elk and we had two elk. We paid you twice as much money and you took the two elk. So this year, we are offering you three times as much money." So he said okay. They load up the plane, rev up the engine, head across the lake, and crash into the trees on the other side of the lake. About an hour later, one of the hunters wakes up and looks around and sees his friends sitting beside him and he says, "Howard, what happened, where are we?" And Howard says, "Well the plane crashed, and we are about 100 yards from where we crashed last year."

Heh. With this one, let me just apologize in advance to all inhabitants of Poland (including all the lovely people at kurnik) and to all who haven't studied complex analysis (I think you should, if not for other reasons then at least in order to get the joke).

Ok, here goes:

Halfway through a recent airplane flight from Warsaw to New York, there was nearly a major disaster when the flight crew got sick from eating the fish. After they had passed out, one of the flight attendants asked over the intercom if there were any pilots in the cabin.

An elderly gentleman, who had flown a bit in the war, raised his hand and was rushed into the cockpit of the 747. When he got there, took the seat, and saw all the displays and controls, he realized he was in over his head. He told the flight attendant that he didn't think he could fly this plane. When asked why not, he replied,

"I am just a simple Pole in a complex plane"

So, they just had to rely on the method of steepest descents.

(Credit where credit is due: this joke was copied-and-pasted from http://dominic-mazzoni.com/mathjokes.html)

hmm maybe he was one of the "division 303" crew;)

THIS WAS ONCE FOUR TRAVELERS A FOOTBALL PLAYER, A BASEBALL Player, A TENNIS PLAYER and A CHESS PLAYER THAT WENT IN A CRUISE WHEN THEY HIT A BIG ICE ICEBERG and DIED. The FOUR WENT To HELL and The DEVIL ALREADY WAS PREPARED TO SEND THEM to the HOT BOILER. The FOUR OF THEM BEG FOR MERCY, THEN The DEVIL FEEL PITY ON THYSELF And WENT AND PUT A CONDITION To THEM: HE SAID "IF YOU GIVE SOMETHING TO ME THAT I CANNOT MELT WITH MY HANDS, THEN I WILL GIVE PARDON AND NOT SEND ALL FOUR To the BOILER.” IT SEEMED To THEM LIKE A FAIR DEAL. THEN THE BASEBALL PLAYER GOES TO THE DEVIL and GIVES GOLD TO HIM, THEN the DEVIL OF the CONTENTED MAS MELTS IT and SENDS HIM to the BOILER. AFTER WIDE THE TENNIS PLAYER COMES and IT GIVES SILVER TO HIM, THEN the DEVIL HAPPILY MELTS IT and SENDS HIM TOO to the HOT BOILER. HE WAS APPROACHED BY THE FOOTBALL PLAYER, THAT BROUGHT COPPER TO HIM, THEN the DEVIL LEAVES AGAIN WITH IT AND MELTS IT THUS SENDING HIM TO the BOILER. FINALLY, COMES THE HUMBLE CHESS PLAYER WITH The HANDS IN The POCKETS And REMOVES SOMETHING And GAVE IT to the DEVIL. THEN the DEVIL BEGINS TO TRY TO MELT IT and WAS IMPOSSIBLE HE CONTINUES TRYING IT AND TRYING WITH NO RESULTS, WHEN SUDDENLY STOP OR NO LONGER TRIED, THE DEVIL FRUSTRATED SURRENDERS. THEN IT SAYS To the Chess-player: "WHAT’S HELL, IS THAT? THAT YOU HAVE BEEN GIVING ME; SINCE I CANNOT MELT IN MY HANDS" And THE OLD CHESS PLAYER REPLIES: "M & M MELT IN YOUR MOUTH BUT NOT IN YOUR HANDS.” REMEMBER OLD WISE MEN KNOWS BETTER THAT THE DEVIL THAT THE DEVIL KNOWS THE WISE OLD MEN AND THAT IS: “THE PAWN, IS THE SOUL OF CHESS . . . MATE & MATE.”

i heard this on a radio program here in the States:

There was a man who was cleaning out his grandmother's attic when he came across a dirty old lamp. thinking it might be valuable, he rubs it to clean it off, and a genie comes out. "I will grant you one wish, as long as it is not a wish for more wishes," says the genie. the guy scratches his head and thinks. "ok genie. i have always wanted to go to hawaii, but i am afraid of boats and planes. so if i wish myself there, i will not be able to get back. so i wish you would build a bridge to hawaii from california so i can drive there in my car."

the genie is shocked. "do you have any idea how hard that would be? its thousands of miles! the piers for the bridge would be miles high out in the ocean. imagine of the shipping traffic problems! think of the permits we would need! isn't there anything simple that i can do for you?"

the man thinks for few more minutes and says, "ok genie. instead, give me the wisdom to understand women."

the genie says, "so should that bridge have two lanes or four?"

note to women: please forward all complaints to the guys on "Cartalk" who told the joke. :-)

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

Cause he was stapled to the chicken.

A gentleman must play a game of chess with a blind person, he proposes to the blind person:

-- As him cannot see he will grant an advantage to him as part of the deal.

--

-- - We will not play in equality of conditions. –

--

-- This sound really fair replied the Blind Person.

-- Then he asks the gentleman: “When? –

-- -- Very well, the other men responded to him “any night that you prefer.”

Dieser Weisheitszahn tut mir weh.

-Deer-zer VîS-hîs-tzahm toot meer way.̃ Brain

What is the difference between a crocodile?

The crocodile can swim in the water, but on the land it can't.

"Chess, like the tomb, levels all grades of conventional rank and distinction and reserves its high places for the best players."Skeletons of mice are often to be found in coconuts, for it is easier to get in, slim and greedy, than to get out, appeased but fat."

--->"Skeletons of mice are often to be found in coconuts, for it is easier to get in, slim and greedy, than to get out, appeased but fat."<----

Seems to me that once they begin losing weight from starvation, they'll be able to slip back out.

;-)

check this out. [sorry in advance for my poor english]

"there was a soviet scientific conferension after Americans had landed on the moon. so fellow Brezhniev [im not sure spelling and i dont know if "fellow" is a right word here] said to the gathered scientists:

-fellows, you know the horrible fact that Americans has landed on the moon and it was their runaway succes. and u know, of course, we have to do sth which is even more spectacular... we gonna fly to the sun.

it puzzled scientists and they looked at each other confusedly. then one of them very timidly said:

-but fellow Brezhniev the sun is incredibly hot. everything melts there. No ship can reach it.

-ah dont worry about that. we gonna fly there at night.

Your English is plenty good enough to get the joke across, na_wspak. FYI, Leonid's name is generally tranliterated "Brezhnev", though your way makes at least as much sense. And "tovarish" is generally translated to "comerade" rather than "fellow". Though "comerade" has taken on such Communist connotation, that "fellow" is now probably closer to the original intent of using that word as an honorific. Oh, and you have an original way of writing "conference".

like i said my english sucks;)

There are three kinds of people:

Those who can count, and those who can't.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those that understand binary, and thoe that' don't.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world. Those that understand binary, and those that don't.

The Programing Chess Contest: Jesus "The King Of King" Vs Satan "The Prince of the Air Element and the Emperor or The World".

One dark night in hell, the Devil, bent upon his ultimate

revenge, determined to become a computer chess programmer. Secretly he pored over main pages, Microsoft press releases, and hex dumps of the renowned SATAN program, until, satisfied that he was master of the unclean craft, he began to work his mischief.

Lounging near the back gate to heaven, he remarked to Jesus that there were some things the Devil could do better than God. Perl programming, for instance. The Savior, knowing something was afoot, but unwilling to let the slight go unchallenged, suggested a chess programming contest to last from sunrise to sunset, to see who

could solve the halting Diagram and Geometrical problem in the fewest lines of Perl code,with God Almighty as the judge.

Sparks flew from the keyboard, and a sublime glow emanated from the monitor of the Prince of Darkness and the Prince of Peace, respectively, until five minutes before sunset, when a bolt of lightning flashed and the computers went dead.

A few minutes later God arrived and asked for the results. The Devil fumed and complained bitterly, but he had lost the whole day's work. Jesus fared considerably better and won the contest because, as everyone knows, Jesus saves.

No that's worth a chuckle or two. Nice play on the word "save". Here you seem like a native anglophone.

The Chess Fish:

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo."This", he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it". At which a Clever Dick stepped forward - there is always one - and spoke into the Ultimate Computer's microphone. "Where is my

father"? he asked.There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out. On it were printed the words "Fishing off Florida". Clever Dick laughed."Actually", he said, "my father is dead"!

It had been a tricky question!!

The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet,immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?

Clever Dick thought, went to the Ultimate Computer and this time said, "Where is my mother's husband"? Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words:

"Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida."

Hi to all jokers.

when I set The JOKES postage I din´t wonder to find so many great jokes like i saw here.

So let write some quotes.

"I have a dog and I put contact lenses on his yes.They had little pictures of cats on them...

He doesn't stop to run."

Thats from Eteven Wright quotes. What do you guys think about?

Changing a Lighbulb in Cyberspace

Q: How many people does it take to change a light bulb in

cyberspace?

1 to successfully change the light bulb and to post to the mail

list that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how

the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing

light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

156 to write to the list administrator complaining about the

light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail

list.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please

take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and

alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we are all use

light bulbs and therefore the posts **are** relevant to this mail

list.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior,

where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work

best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light

bulbs.

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post

corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant

to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.

33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including

all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they

cannot handle the lightbulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

47 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for,

leave it here.

143 votes for a new list alt.lite.bulb.

Howdy friends.

24th was my birthday.

No body said helo.

None of you cames tomy partty.

Thats not a problem, If things goes well we can see each other next year. Or maybe on Christmans.

There goes some thing that realy makes sence...

Steven Wrigth Quotes

- When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

- Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

- It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

- I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know where sleep is." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said, "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

- I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

- When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."

- Earlier today I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

- One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.

- My girlfriend does her nails with whiteout. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

- I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!

- I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."

- I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. You turn on the record, put the headphones on and learn Spanish in your sleep; during the night the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

- Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

- There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

- I bought a dog the other day, he_s really smart!...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

- I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

- The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation...go figure

- If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

- Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

- What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

- I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

- I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me they were cramming for their finals.

- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use... Toothpicks?

- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do_ write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

- How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

- If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

- Clones are people two.

- If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

- If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

- Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

- If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

- If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

- I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

- So what's the speed of dark?

- How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dissing them anyhow?

- After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

- If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

- I just got skylights put in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.

I just saw the post in this subject, from 2003-10-15 by a guy impersonating Josef Louis Villafan. I know it can't be Josef himself who wrote the post, because it's divided into paragraphs, and I understand it.

what about both messages from 2003-10-14?;)

Your right, the impersonator must have been doing this for some time. We ought to tell the real Josef. ;)

How Hot Is It In Hell?

(a true story for explain 10-15 Chess Quote)

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's

Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is

compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the

different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1). If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2). Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

Alan, So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her,then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

The "M" (Fin)

Somewhat surprisingly, evidence from the Bible suggests that heaven is actually hotter than hell. The temperature of heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our authority is the Bible, Isaiah 30:26 reads,

Moreover, the light of the moon shall be as the light of the sun and the light of the sun shall be sevenfold as the light of seven days.

Thus, heaven receives from the moon as much radiation as the earth does from the sun, and in addition seven times seven (forty nine) times as much as the earth does from the sun, or fifty times in all. The light we receive from the moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the sun, so we can ignore that.

With these data we can compute the temperature of heaven: The radiation falling on heaven will heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation. In other words, heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann fourth power law for radiation

(H/E)4 = 50

where E is the absolute temperature of the earth, 300°K (273+27). This gives H the absolute temperature of heaven, as 798° absolute (525°C).

The exact temperature of hell cannot be computed but it must be less than 444.6°C, the temperature at which brimstone or sulfur changes from a liquid to a gas. Revelations 21:8: But the fearful and unbelieving... shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone [sulfur] means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, which is 444.6°C. (Above that point, it would be a vapor, not a lake.)

We have then, temperature of heaven, 525°C (977°F). Temperature of hell, less than 445°F). Therefore heaven is hotter than hell.

(Copied-and-pasted from http://www.lhup.edu/~dsimanek/hell.htm)

God will ultimately will measure that temperature specification with a taste of womb metamorphosis between solids, liquids, and gas in creator and mysterious way. God Heaven Spiritual Beings do not have or need temperature sensors. That’s “ WHY” [HELL] is hottest that heaven, the main reason for that is only the sinner and the falling angels will experience that kind of weather, {(Water= /Spirit) v (ICE = Body) v Vapor = Soul}} It's as though the universe is a series of projections from beyond space and time. This view is consistent with the Biblical presentation of the physical ("explicate") world as being subordinate to the spiritual ("implicate") world as the superior reality as shown in 2 Corinthians’ 4:18 2 While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen [are] temporal; but the things which are not seen [are] eternal. The cosmos now seems more like a developing organism than an eternal machine. If the higher circuits have been appearing (partially and in rare mutants) for a few thousand years this is because the DNA blueprint is gradually modifying us for future evolution. If higher circuit functions are increasing at an accelerating rate, as many parapsychologists think, it is because we are now mutating rapidly toward extraterrestrial migration. All of the nature seems to be evolutionary. THE universe as a hologram: There appears to be evidence suggesting that our world and everything in it are holographic images. There are many superstitions surrounding mirrors, and most involve losing the soul. The Russians believed that mirrors were created by Satan, to draw out the souls of the living. Devil. This one was a holographic four dimensional representations that were all around me. And when using it I had immediate access to every experience I had ever had, all laid out 360 degrees around me. Primitive cultures also believe that all reflective surfaces should be covered to prevent the return of the spirits of the recently departed. Some say that if you look into a mirror at night or by candle light . . . that you'll see antichrist ghosts or and SOMEWHERE INSIDE that monitor MIRROR. "Put on God's whole armor . . . that you may be able successfully to stand up against all the stratagems and the deceits of the devil. For us are not wrestling with flesh and blood [contending only with physical opponents] but against the despotism, against the powers, against the master spirits who are the world rulers of this present darkness, against the spirit forces of wickedness in the heavenly [supernatural] sphere. Therefore put on God's complete armor, that you may be able to resist and stand your ground on the evil day . . . And having done all the crisis demands, to stand firmly in your place. Stand therefore . . . " [Ephesians 6:11-14a, Amplified Bible Commentary; Emphasis added] "You are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a lamp stand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light so shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven."" (Matthew 5:14).

To clarify Jokes 10-14...Adultery is part of that temperature in hell.

Apparently anything with paragraphs from JLF is copied and pasted.

Yes. I usually print out the one-huge-paragraph comments written by Josef, and use them as wallpaper at home. Gives a nice, solid look to the walls.

Relief In Hell Wall Boards

A chess player goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment. The first room has a young chess player on the wall being whipped. The new chess player not keen on this asks to see the next room.

The next room has a middle aged chess player being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has a really old guy chained to the wall getting a brakes joked, from a gorgeous blonde, with a command “check-mate” The guy jumps at the chance and selects that room.

The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "Okay, you can stop the chess clock paste now you've been relieved".

The Problem of Defining Humor

19) [58] anaucitya-pravrtti-krtam eva hi hâsya-vibhâvatvam / tac-cânaucityam sarva-rasânâm vibhâvânubhâvâdau sambhâvyate / tena vyabhicâriNâm apy eSaiva vârtâ / ata eve samvit-satattva-nipunaiz cirantanai rasa-bhâva-tadâbhâsa-vyavahâras tatra tatra kriyate / NâTya Zâstra GOS, vol. I, p.296 (in chapter VI).

That's funny because my definition of humour is not like that at all.

the only word from Josefs humor definition im similiar with is "tatra" hehe nie ma to jak dobre bro

A chess master died—after a few days, a friend of his heard a voice; it was him!

'What's it like, where you are now,' he asked.

'What do you want to hear first, the good news or the bad news.' 'Tell me the good news first.'

'Well, it's really heaven here. There are tournaments and blitz sessions going on all the time and Morphy, Alekhine, Lasker, Tal, Capablanca, Botvinnik, they're all here, and you can play them.' 'Fantastic!' the friend said, 'and what is the bad news?' 'You have Black against Capablanca on Saturday.'

The 12 years old Chess Gambler

It was little Ed's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Ed’s was a good kid but that he was an avid “Chess Gambler”. He warned her that little Ed’s might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely. The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Ed's urge to gamble in chess.

Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going. "Oh, everything is going very well," she said. "I think I may have cured little ED. of his Chess ‘s gambling habit."

The father asked her what had happened.

"The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear," she said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole, and took his ten dollars."

"Damn!" the father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's hasshes before the day was over."

Chess Samurai Openning

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny chess box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened another chess tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered!

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?"

Number Three Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny chess board box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and *Swoooooosh! MATE!! * flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead is easy." replied the Jewish Samurai. "Chesshummcision...now that takes skill!"

what does that have to do with chess?

it could have been a janitor jewish samurai, and the joke will be the same.

?????????????

what does that have to do with chess?

it could have been a janitor jewish samurai, and the joke will be the same.

?????????????

The Grand-Master Priest

This Lady approaches a priest (chess grandmaster) and tells him, "Bishop, I have a problem. I have these two talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?", the priest asked.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're a go-go players. Do you want to have some fun?'."

"That's terrible!", the priest chess grand master exclaimed. "I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship including reading the chess board as well.

"Thank you." said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's grand master house. The Bishop's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage with pawns. The lady put her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots said, "Hi, we're pros-go-go girls! Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and screams, "Put your Bible away Frank, our prayers have been answered!" !!MATE!! Mate...The End.

?????????????

u just put the word chess in every joke...

jose, please, im puerto rican. we are both "patriotas". please, dont shame me and all boricuas.

p.d no aceptaste mi invitacion para jugar tu jueguito?