The JOKES postage

Public forum discussion.

#51 · Andres Villasante

11 Nov 2003

YOUR PHONE COMPANY OR MINE?

This week, all our chess club phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to call you before we come?" I replied that I didn't see how he would be able to do that, since our phones weren't working. He also requested that we report future outages by e-mail. (Does YOUR e-mail work without a telephone line?).

#52 · The Simple

15 Nov 2003

First of all,Mr. or Mrs. josef, don't you need a doctor? Your Jokes are closer to let me depressed tham happy.

There goes some that I received.

Mississipi

Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey, Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"

"Jus' some chickens."

"If I guesses how many they are, can I have one?"

"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."

"OK, Ummmmmm.....five?"

A Mississippian came home and found his house on fire, he rushed next door, telephoned the fire department, and shouted, "Hurry over here, my house is on fire!"

"OK," replied the fireman, " How do we get there?

"Shucks, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

#53 · The Simple

22 Nov 2003

Just for those people that likes simples things on...

Whispering Boy

A 911 operator gets a call one evening but nobody says anything. Fearing the worst, the operator calls back, and a little boy answers the phone in whispering voice ...

[barely audible] Hello!

(Operator) Hello little boy. Did you just call 911?

[barely audible] "No!"

(Operator) O.K., is your mommy home?

[barely audible] "Yes."

(Operator) Can I speak to her, please?

[barely audible] "No."

(Operator) "Why not?"

[barely audible] "Because she's busy!"

(Operator) "Oh, OK. Is your daddy home then?"

[barely audible] "Yes."

(Operator) "Well, can I speak to him?"

[barely audible] "No!"

(Operator) "Well, my goodness, why not?"

[barely audible] "Because he's busy too!"

(Operator) "OH, goodness! What's he busy doing?"

[barely audible] "Talking to the police."

(Operator) "Oh, so the police are there?"

[barely audible] "Yes."

(Operator) "Can I speak to one of them?"

[barely audible] "No!"

(Operator) "Why not?"

[barely audible] "Because they are really busy."

(Operator) "Well, what's your mom busy doing?"

[barely audible] "Talking to the firemen."

(Operator) "Can I speak to one of the firemen then, please?"

[barely audible] "No."

(Operator) "Well, goodness, why not?"

[barely audible] "Because they are really busy too!"

(Operator) "Well, what are all of these people busy doing?"

[barely audible] "Looking for me!"

#54 · Andres Villasante

11 Jan 2004

A Chess Player is walking from the lake carrying two fish in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The Chess player says to the warden, "I did not catch these fish, they are my pets's pawn. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these fish jump out and I take around to see the sights only to return them at the end of the day; remember that the Chess Board is like an ocean; full of fish".

The warden, does not play chess, he not had any idea what he's taking about; not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The Chess Player turns to the warden and says, "CHECK" "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the fish back into the water.

The warden says, "Now whistle to your fish and show me that they will come out of the water."

The Chess Player turns to the warden and says, "What fish!?"

#55 · Andres Villasante

14 Feb 2004

Ha! I've got you now!

Thought you could get away from me didn't you? check!!

#56 · Andres Villasante

19 Feb 2004

"That's what you think."

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringers job. The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, dashing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell." The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist [now there's a trivia question for you], the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

#57 · Bill LeBoeuf

20 Feb 2004

Josef, I never read the jokes before. I always like to guess peoples age, with your philosophy I had you pegged for 36 but now with your jokes and unrequited love I will guess 26. Am I right? And are you in PR or NY? I figure got to be states.

Cheers, Bill

ps: Oh, a chess joke:

Bear walks into a bar with a chess set, sits down, says 'give me a beer', bartender say 'thatll be 4 bucks',

bear says 'ok'

bartender gives him a beer

and says 'we dont get many chessplaying bears in here',

bear says 'and at 4 bucks a beer you aint gonna get many more either.'

#58 · Andres Villasante

21 Feb 2004

THE FOUR GREED PIGS

A pig went into a bar and asked A CHESS BEER Bartender for a glass of water. The CHESS BEER BARTENDER gave the pig the water and when the pig was done he asked the CHESS BEER BANTENDER if he could use for a moment the restroom. The bartender said, "Sure.It's down the hall and to your right."

A little while later another pig went into the bar and asked the bartender for two glasses of water. The CHESS BEER BARTENDER gave the pig the water and when the pig was done he asked the bartender if he could use the restroom for a moment. The CHESS BEER BARTENDER said, "Sure. It's down the hall and to your right."

Soon after, another pig went into the bar and asked the CHESS BEER BARTENDER for three glasses of water. The CHESS BEER BARTENDER gave the pig the water and when the pig was done he asked the CHESS BEER BARTENDER if he could use for a moment the restroom. The CHESS BEER BARTENDER said, "Sure. It's down the hall and to your right."

Then another pig went into the bar and asked the CHESS BEER BARTENDER for four glasses of water. The CHESS BEER BARTENDER gave the pig the water and when the pig was done he asked the CHESS BEER BARTENDER if he could use the restroom for a moment. The CHESS BEER BARTENDER said, "Sure. It's down the hall and to your right."

After a little while another pig went into the bar and asked the CHESS BEER BARTENDER for five glasses of water. The CHESS BEER BARTENDER gave the pig the water and the pig drank all five glasses and was about to leave when the bartender stopped him and said, "Wait a minute. All these other pigs have come woEbbling in here and drank between one and four glasses of water and they all needed to use the restroom. But you drank five whole glasses of water. Why don't you need to use the restroom too?"

And the pig replied, "I'm the little pig that goes WEB-wee-weeBLING all the way home."

(.¿.)San Juan Puerto Rico...51st States

#59 · Wakai Yushi

18 Mar 2004

Sailors Hat

A chess little boy walked with a his chess bag, chess set and a Blitzz Clock into a men's room.

He saw a sailor in full dress uniform.

The little chess boy got really excited, and asked the sailor, "Are you a REAL Sailor???"

The sailor replied, "Why, yes, son, I am. Would you like to wear my hat?"

The little boy said, "Yes!!" and put on the hat.

A Marine entered the bathroom. The little boy, very excitedly asked, "Mister, Mister, are you a REAL Marine???"

The Marine answered, "Yes, son, I am! Why, do you want a check-mate?"

The chess little boy exclaimed, "I'm not a real Sailor! I'm just wearing the hat!!!" and the clock belongs to my DAD.

#60 · Jupp

19 Mar 2004

The shortest chess joke (heard it later as golf joke):

I know how to play it.

#61 · Wakai Yushi

9 Apr 2004

Late one night a drunk chess player is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed. “What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him. “It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s a talking chess clock.” “How does it work?” The chess player picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “For God’s sake, you schackzzhole…it’s 3:30 in the goddamn morning!”

#62 · Patrick Moore

30 May 2004

Thomas wrote -->What is the difference between a crocodile?

The crocodile can swim in the water, but on the land it can't.<--

Could you possibly re-write this to make sense, it seems you acedently left out something.

#63 · mmbeer

30 May 2004

I believe that is the joke....that it makes no sense....like this joke: Two tomatoes were crossing a road and one of them got hit by a car. The other one said: Come on kenneth! hehehehehe... both jokes are funny! hahaha

#64 · pitirre

30 May 2004

how are u sure his name was kenneth?

#65 · Tasmanian Devil

30 May 2004

It sounds like you are about to say "ketchup", as in the "standard" version. Jokes like this can be funny if you are very tired, or drunk.

#66 · Thomas

5 Jun 2004

I have one more:

Why does Mr. Krause have no hair?

Because the negroes have krause's hair.

Note: this is not just nonsense, but unfortunately it works only in german language:

'krauses Haar' translates to 'curled hair'

#67 · Wakai Yushi

7 Jun 2004

School Absence Excuses

THE FOLLOWING IS A PARTIAL LIST OF ACTUAL WRITTEN EXCUSES GIVEN TO TEACHERS IN THE ALBUQUERQUE PUBLIC SCHOOL SYSTEM BY PARENTS OF STUDENTS:

Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault.

Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.

Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.

My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed. Please execute him.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing

GO-football. He was hit in the growing part.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.

Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.

Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is administrating.

George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.

Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.

Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah(*crossed out*), diahoah(*crossed out*), dyah(*crossed out*) the sheets.

Please excuse Bobby from school. He has goiarea and his boots leak.

#68 · Tim

7 Jun 2004

Not exactly a joke, and not even about chess, but a nice story about Queen Mum (who was born in Scotland):

Queen Mum once went to Canada where she came to talk with an old farmer. "I don't think much of monarchy", he said, "in my opinion, Canada ought to be a republic". "That's exactly how we feel in Scotland, too", Queen Mum replied, "but the English will never allow it".

#69 · Andres Villasante

10 Jun 2004

I like to share these Chess Jokes from (K) CWN with you audience, I think that there very, very funny, so I took the delivered and the permission to pass the information, "adouber" in french was used in the middle age where, in a ceremony called "adoubement", a knight was receiving his shield and sword. Presently, adouber is only used in chess. You have to say "j'adoube", even if you do not speak french, before centering a piece on his feld. However, if you unintentionnaly touch a piece, you do NOT have to move it. By the way, you are not allowed to "adoube" you opponent pieces, if your opponent has misplaced his pieces, just click on his clock and ask him to better place his pawns. I read in a very stupid book, that if you take one piece and suddenly realised you want to move another one, just use it as a spoon, looking like distracted, to ster your coffee and put in back on the board. No one will believe this was intentional! Notice: it won’t work at correspondence chess. The J'adoube is French for I adjust... J'adoube is an often used phrase in chess. If you wish to abide by the rules of touch move (touch a piece - you have to move it) which is the norm in UK Chess Tournaments, you have to say something to the effect of J'adoube before touching a piece. The joke basically has the implication that one of the players had great expectations for the opponent’s move after the daring queen sacrificed. However his opponent- as though it was a real life over the board game- saids J'adoube. Two chess players are playing a correspondence game. White lives at the South Pole. Black lives at the North Pole. The postal service is rather slow and plays proceeds at the rate of one move per year. After 15 years of play, white makes a daring queen sacrifice, the consequences of which are by no means clear. A year later, as he sees the postman returning, he is very excited. He thinks, "Will black take my queen?” "Is the sacrifice sound?” He tears open the reply and sees "Jadoube".

I hope this clears things up!

#70 · Andres Villasante

10 Jun 2004

Q. What is the difference between a chess player and a couple on a blind date?

A. The chess player mates then chats...

Regards,

(courtesy of Graham Moore)

I went to my local chess cafe and ordered a sandwich. I complained to the Manager.

"What’s wrong with it?" He replied.

"It's Stale Mate".

"I don't believe you", said the Manager.

I said handing over the sandwich, "Check Mate".

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

Because, he said, I cant stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Q. What’s the difference between a chess player and a highway construction worker?

A. A chess player moves every now and then.

#71 · scottygr8

14 Jun 2004

One Bright Day { Logic }

One bright day in the middle of the night

Two dead boys got up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other,

Pulled out knives and shot at each other.

A deaf policeman heard the noise

Then came and shot these two dead boys.

The End

#72 · Patrick Moore

15 Jun 2004

and a variant ending to the above^

If you dont beleive this lie, ask the blind man, he saw it too.

#73 · Thomas

16 Jun 2004

A woman who has lost her husband asks the undertaker to fill his ash into

a hour glass. The undertaker is wondering and asks why.

She replies: "This lazy dog didn't work anything in life, now he shall

at least do some work after his dead!"

#74 · Wakai Yushi

31 Dec 2004

Handicap Go 19x19

A Go Player was reviewing a previous lost game, this guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, "I am a deaf mute. May I please play GO with you with 4 Black Handicap ?

The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, "No, you CANNOT play through." He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, "I can't believe you would try to use your handicap stones to your own advantage like that! By going first!! Shame on you!"

The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the stone onto the table and then walked off to finish the previous game.

Just as he was about to put the 30.5 mm stones back to the BOW he was hit in the head with a another stone that knocked him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.

#75 · Vaughan

31 Dec 2004

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#76 · Mickel

31 Dec 2004

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

#77 · Attabeira

25 Jan 2005

This guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

#78 · Enid

1 Mar 2005

Dear Friend,

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach"... I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing ... he was enjoying this religious experience, too!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

#79 · Dustin

3 Mar 2005

Math Joke

Three statisticians go duck hunting. When they see their first duck, the first statistician fires but misses by three inches to the left. The second statistician fires but misses by three inches to the right. The third statistician says, "great, we got 'im".

#80 · shinnosuke

5 Mar 2005

Not exactly a joke, but a thought after playing (and losing) some hex games:

If I want to "hexcell", I have to "Polish" my style

#81 · Tim

6 Mar 2005

Nice one :)

#82 · Dustin

9 Mar 2005

Another pun.

To raise money for a their monastary a group of friars decides to sell flowers. Because everybody in the town wanted to support the monastics, they all began to buy flowers from the monks. Naturally, the union of flower sellers did not like this as the friars were taking all their business. Calling a meeting, the florists decided that they would politely ask the monks to sell something else if they wanted to raise money. The monks were making such a nice profit that they refused.

Next, the flower sellers decided to take legal action, suing the friars for destroying their business. The judge ruled in favor of the monks.

Finally the florists hired the bouncer at a local tavern named Hugh. Hugh went to the Abbey, trashed the place, and threatened the monks' lives. The friars immediately gave up their corner on the flower market.

This just goes to show that Hugh and only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

#83 · Alan Turing

9 Mar 2005

Has anyone ever discovered why successful puns like (IMO) the above, always produce displeased groans from the listener/reader? Most other kinds of jokes produce laughs.

#84 · Andres Villasante

10 Mar 2005

Spanish Bald's Chess Player

A bald Chess Player with one leg and multiple personality disorder; (DSM-IV, wanted to go to a fancy dress party but he didn't know what to go as. He wrote to a fancy dress company and asked for a recommendation. The reply came back saying that he could go as a monk becasue of his bald head. He replied angrily saying that they were just being rude about his bald head.

The company apologized and wrote back saying that he could go as a pirate, his bald head could be covered by the hat and his wooden leg would complemnt the outfit. He replied angrily saying they were just being rude about his wooden leg.

A few days later he recieved a parcel with a note. In the parcel was a pot of sticky toffee and the note said smear the toffee over your head, stick your pawn wooden leg up your Rasó and go as a coffee apple!

YOU

#85 · Dustin

10 Mar 2005

I get the same response to my puns! Everybody rolls their eyes, etc. but will crack up at some silly joke which is not nearly as clever.

Well maybe some of you will appreciate this one (I will try to keep it short for ease of typing/reading):

To reward one of his courtiers, a king made him into a count and gave him power over a small region. The count soon became very corrupt and started taking money from the community's treasury. When the townsfolk learned of this they were irate and took the count before a judge. The count refused to tell where he had hidden the money, even upon threat of death. The headsman was brought in, carrying a great axe. As the headsman began to swing the axe, the count shouted, "no, wait! I'll tell where the money is" but it was too late. Because they had killed the count, the townsfolk never learned where their money was.

The moral of the story? Don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.

#86 · Peewhile

10 Mar 2005

hey, Dustin, I liked this one! far better ;-)

#87 · Peewhile

10 Mar 2005

By the way, Yocahu, your joke is good, but there is something I find rather artificial. Why is the player Spanish? and why has he multiple personality disorder?

They are some details that make the joke worse, I think

#88 · Andres Villasante

10 Mar 2005

"That the psychopathic character often finds his way into films (as well as other forms of literature) is not surprising. The ambiguous mixture of strong emotions that are aroused in "normal" persons while examining such characters make them strange and fascinating subjects."

Kubrick's Psychopaths Society and Human Nature in the Films of Stanley Kubrick, by Gordon Banks

http://www.visual-memory.co.uk/amk/doc/0004.html

"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."

Oscar Wilde - The Picture of Dorian Grey

YOU

#89 · Peewhile

10 Mar 2005

yocahu, was it meant to be an answer?

thanks for your time

#90 · Alan Turing

10 Mar 2005

Dustin, I laughed this time rather than groan. So it must have been a joke, not a pun. :)

#91 · Dustin

11 Mar 2005

Pun #3

Mahatma Gandhi was was a really great guy. Since he walked everywhere his feet became very calloused. Due to his hunger strikes he was physically quite weak. In addition to being a political leader, he was also a spiritual leader. Unfortunately he was plagued by bad breath, also do to his strange diet.

In fact you could call Gandi a super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-with-halitosis.

#92 · Greck

11 Mar 2005

getting better all the time, dustin.

:-D

#93 · Dustin

11 Mar 2005

I only have a couple more. I promise I will stop soon.

#94 · Alan Turing

11 Mar 2005

Who comes up with these things? :)

#95 · Dustin

12 Mar 2005

Two fishermen were out in a boat one winter day. It was very cold and niether had brought enough warm clothes. Niether fisherman was very bright so they soon came up with a slightly flawed plan to keep warm. They paddled over to shoar, collected some wood, built a fire in the boat, and went back to fishing. As you can guess, the fire soon burned a hole in the boat and they sank.

This is just another proof that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

#96 · Dustin

13 Mar 2005

A magazine I read was having a pun contest. People could enter as many puns as they wanted so I collected the best puns I could find and even came up with a couple myself to send in. All told, I had a total ten. After waiting for weeks and weeks by the mailbox for the next issue to come. I was hopefull that at least one of my puns won a prize.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

#97 · Andres Villasante

26 Jun 2005

A cristian chess player finds himself caught in a tremendous rainstorm. Within a few hours, the motel he's staying in is flooded. As the water rises, the chess player climbs to the roof and starts praying.

Just then, a coast guard rescue party floats by in a rowboat. "Let's go, mister, into the boat." "I'll stay here," says the prayer. "The Lord will save me."

An hour later, a second boat reaches the motel. "Sir, you better get in. The water is still rising." "No thanks," says the chess player. "The Lord is my salvation."

Toward evening, the motel is almost completely under water, and the cristian chess player is clinging to the satellite dish on the roof.

"Hey buddy, get in the boat! This is your last chance." "I'm all right," says the prayer, looking toward heaven. I KNOW the Lord will provide."

As the boat departs, the satellite dish is hit by lightning, and the chess player is killed. When he arrives at the Pearly Gates, he is furious.

"What happened?" he shouts. "I thought the Lord would provide!"

Within seconds, a thunderous reply is heard: "Hey! I sent three friggin boats!" where were you? Playing GO

ASTro-V

#98 · Andres Villasante

29 Jun 2005

A surgeon, an architect an a lawyer are having a heated barroom discussion concerning which of their professions is actually the oldest profession.

The surgeon says: "Surgery IS the oldest profession. God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that."

The architect says: "Hold on! In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than THAT!"

The lawyer puffs his cigar and says: "Gentlemen, Gentlemen...who do you think created the CHAOS??!!"

#99 · Andres Villasante

29 Jun 2005

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English --- Chinese

Are you harboring a fugitive? (Hu Yu Hai Ding?)

Approach me. (Kum Hia)

Stupid Fellow... (Dum Gai)

Small horse (Tai Ni Poni)

Prices are too high here (No Bai Dam Ting)

Miami vacationing agreed with you (Ya Mai Ti Tan)

I bumped into a coffee table (Ai Bang Mai Ni)

Have you considered a face lift? (Chin Tu Fat)

You try saving electricity? (Wai So Dim?)

Unauthorized execution (Lin Ching)

Inquiry to determine if bus is due (Hao Long Wei Ting?)

You're blowing your diet (Wai Yu Mun Ching?)

Keep out of the pond (Noh Wei Ding)

Tow-away zone (No Pah King)

Don't you know anything by Cole Porter? (Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?)

You are not very bright (Yu So Dum)

I have a press pass (Ai No Pei)

I don't deserve the death penalty (Wai Hang Mi?)

You're suffering from chronic halitosis (Yu Bai Sen Sen Nao)

Remain out of sight (Lei Lo)

Cleaning automobile (Wa Shing Cah)

Did someone fertilize the field? (Hu Flung Dung?)

They are approaching (Hia Dei Kum)

#100 · Attabeira

29 Jun 2005

An Elderly Lady {Chesss Player}did her shopping and, upon return, found four males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to

scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required: so get out of the car. The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon

the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the drivers seat. Small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.

The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a carjacking by a mad elderly white woman; no charges

were filed.

Att

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