The JOKES postage

test

Another pun:

Once upon a time, a formidable African warlord went on a rampage of conquest, as warlords often do, and none could stand against him. Kingdom after kingdom fell before him. But he was not only a great warrior; he was also a capable politician. He had the bright idea of seizing the thrones of those he conquered, and arraying them in the loft of his ceremonial hut, so that the full extent of his power could be plainly visible to anyone granted an audience. Unfortunately, this was to be his downfall. One day the loft caved in and the warlord was crushed to death.

Moral of the story:

People in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

Words that Ought to Exist, but Don't!

1. ACCORDIONATED: Being able to drive and refold a map at the same time.

2. AQUADEXTROUS: Possessing the ability to turn off the bathtaps with your toes.

3. AQUALIBRIUM: The point where a drinking fountain is at its perfect height.

4. BURGACIDE: The point where a burger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill to the coals.

5. BUZZACKS: People in phone shops who walk around picking up display phones and listening for dialing tones.

6. CARPERPETUATION: The act of running over an object with a vacuum cleaner at least 12 time, picking it up, examining it, then putting it back to give the vacuum one more chance.

7. DIMP: The person in a department store who insults you by asking if you work there.

8. DISCONFECT: To sterilize a sweet you have dropped by blowing on it assuming this will remove the germs.

9. ECNALUBMA: A rescue vehicle that can only be seen in the rear view mirror.

10. EIFFELITES: Gangly people sitting in front of you at the cinema who no matter what direction you lean in, always follow suit.

11. ELBONICS: The actions of two people trying to get the one armrest between them.

12. ELECELLERATION: The mistaken notion that the more you press the lift button the quicker it will arrive.

13. FRUST: The small line of debris that refuses to be swept in the dust pan.

14. LACTOMANGULATION: Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a carton so badly that you have to resort to trying to open the other side.

15. NEONPHANCY: A light bulb struggling to come to life.

16. PETROPHOBIC: One who is embarrassed to undress in front of their pet.

17. PHONESIA: The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you are calling just as they answer.

18. TELECRASTINATION: The act of always letting a phone ring at least twice even when you're six inches away from it.

19. UESTUPIDO: It's like before a chess player and his wife are changing residences. Their house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in the driveway. A Friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's "U" sign."

Dreaming of You

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I ask myself..Why do evil mummies or dwarfs have time trouble playing chess and keeping friends? They're too wrapped up in themselves! You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. I majored in liberal arts. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations, you laid on my naked body ... you sensed my indifference, so you started to bite me without any guilt or humiliation. And which dwarf or mummie are you? You drove me crazy while you sucked me dry. Finally I went to sleep. If I throw a stick, will you leave this silly game? Today when I woke up you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still shows your marks, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...as soon you appear I will quickly grab you and won't let you go. I will hold you with all my strength so you won't disappear.

I won't rest until l squeeze all of your blood out.....

you...

you...

you...

you...

Fogging mosquito!! And your crybaby whiny-abs -graved opinion would be...? Will that be for here or to Go, or maybe like a Ghost disappears in the Conner of Chess?

STOP…, Do not Quote me; NO MORE!!

Astrovick

Bad Day At LG (PG)***

Next time you have a bad day at LG...think of this Chess player:

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to Laughline, who was sponsoring a "worst job experience" contest. Needless to say, she won.

"Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for 2 days because my butthole was swollen shut."

So, next time you're having a bad day at LG or at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

OG

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Att:

WAL-MART Job Application: This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to Wal-Mart in Florida ... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! (My comment: according to Barbara Ehrenrich Walmart and other such places hire just about anybody for the two weeks or so that anyone would be willing to work there.)

NAME: Greg Bulmar

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person (or one who'll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, wouldn't I be there?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 Lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF

YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

\*\*\**************

And then, some alleged "out-of-the-mouths-of-babes"...

(...cute whether or not...)

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?

STUDENT: Seven.

TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?

STUDENT: Nine.

TEACHER: That's impossible.

STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today.

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.

GEORGE: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

CLASS: George!

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today

that we didn't have ten years ago.

WILLY: Me!

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?

TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Why are you late?

WEBSTER: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?

FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?

SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.

SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?

JOSE: Don't bite any.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".

ELLEN: I is...

TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."

ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?

JUNIOR: You said it was my lunch money.

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight

oranges in the other, what would I have?

CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS!

Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting out to give himself up.

WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.

A priest, who wanted to raise money for his church, was told there was a fortune in horse racing, and so he decided to buy a horse and enter it in some races. However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep that he decided to buy a donkey instead. Although he had some doubts, the priest figured that he might as well enter the animal in a race just to see how it would do. To his surprise the donkey came in second.

The next day the headlines read: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS

The priest was so pleased that he entered the animal in another race, and this time it won.

The headline read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT

The bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the priest not to enter the donkey in another race.

The new headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, and he ordered the priest to get rid of the animal. The priest gave the donkey to a nun in a nearby convent.

The next day the headline read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN

The bishop fainted. He told the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. After several days, the nun finally sold the beast to a local farmer for $10.

The headline read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS

They buried the bishop the next day.

Disorder In The Court...

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

\_\_\______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

\_\_\___________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

\_\_\____________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

\_\_\___________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

\_\_\___________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

\_\_\____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

\_\_\____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

\_\_\__________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

\_\_\______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

\_\_\____________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh....

\_\_\____________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

\_\_\____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

\_\_\____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

\_\_\____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

\_\_\____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

\_\_\____________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

\_\_\____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

\_\_\__________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh?

\_\_\__________________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for the Chess player pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

HA HA

Three Superman jokes

1) Question: What is Superman's greatest super power? Answer: Hiding a blue costume underneath a white t-shirt.

2) Question: What do you get if you cross the man of steel with a hot vegetable broth? Answer: Souperman!

3) How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

CHESS PARKING LOTS CONVERSATION: My tire was thumping.

I thought it was flat When I looked at the tire . . . I noticed your cat.

Sorry!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gregorio, Looking back over the years

that we've been together PLAYING CHESS IN LG

I can't help but wonder . . .

"What the hell was I thinking?"

JAJA

Chess match men versus women 2012

In Progress Final End Game Position: Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.

How could two people as beautiful as you? Have such an ugly baby?

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Offensive player-name

Did you ever find out who the father was? Signed By: Viagra007

===================================================

LittleGolem Forum

Kpato, I must admit, you brought Religion into my chess life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you. Wakai Yushi

Oniscoid listened . . . We have been friends for a very long time.

Let’s say we stop? Andrew

Little Golem Chess Forum:

Mightyking, as the days go by, I think of how lucky I am . . .

That you're not here to ruin it for me. Say, Andrew Villasante

Congratulations kali on your Queen Promotion.

Before you go . . .

Would you like to take this little golem knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again. Wakai-Yushi

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When we were together,

you always said you'd Self-mate for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your Chess friends here in Little Golem and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.

Author: Andrew Villasante

Vote to Ban or Not to Ban "Dvd Avins"

Just Joking!!

wow

a forgoten thread

i will search one my english jokes haha

During This epoch Adam was in the paradise, boring. Then it says to God please gives something to amuse myself, and God removes its great Opening book from creations, looks for and it says to him: - I have something very good, the best thing, but it is expensive, it will cost you (1) leg, (1) arm, 20 teeth, (1) eye, the nose and three fingers. Adam responds: - No, this is very expensive, gives something more cheap. Then God looked for, but it did not find anything that not outside very expensive. Then Adam the man says: - Sir, What can you give me for a rib? Now you know where the chess game was invented!

San Pedro and God are talking about the norms to enter the Heaven: GOD: "" We must be more demanding with the people level who are entering Heaven.â€â€ SAN PEDRO: "" I will be more demanding with the entrances requirements to heaven Sir.†Then a chess player is passing through the door and listens to this conversation of his way to the entrance tail line in the sky. San Pedro does his job, and begins to be more demanding and selective. When the turn arrives from this Chess Player, San Pedro asks him: "" Name.â€â€ To which the chess player responds: "" Leonardo Di Caprio.â€â€ San Pedro watches it and he once again returns to ask him: "" Name.â€â€ The chess player respond: "" Leonardo Di Caprio.â€â€ Then San Pedro takes his telephone and calls God and asks him: "" Sir, Did, the Titanic sank or . . . "" were burned?

A Chess Player arrives at his house and he says to his wife, I have two news for you, a good one and a bad one; which the woman asks him, well . . . first tell me the good one, the chess player answers, I left the alcohol drink; very well, I congratulate you . . . says the woman to him and now reply...please tell me the bad news, in which the chess player responds, that, that... I do not know where... I left it. May be is with you Chess Kit!

WK

NULL!!!?! :|

Being spammed by NULL? We must move him to /dev...

Won't castle

I cannot get my side of the board...white...to castle.

I've tried refresh and tried it several times in last 24 hours. it also states that move....a6...is not valid

from this position????

I don't know?? maybe they play different chess overseas than what I've been taught.

I'm in the U. S.

Heres the moves...1d4-d5 2c4-e6 3nc3-Bb4 4.cxd5-exd5

5.Bd2-Bxc3 6.Bxc3-Nf6 7.Nf3-O-O 8.Bd3-A6.......now it states that A6 is not valid from this position????

Anybody got a clue to what's going on?

Ironwagon

Ironwagon here,...A6...is the move that black made.

I'm not computer literate.

Post edited by: Ironwagon, at: 2007/11/04 19:44

---------

Ironwagon

But 8. Bd3 is not possible: your e pawn is still unmoved. Are you sure you moved Bd3? I replayed the moves, and it's illegal. 8... a6 will be illegal because the previous move is also illegal. Is there a bug in the program?

are you sure the next move after black's 0-0 is Bd3? there's no way the B can go to d3 with your pawn is till at e2. so better review your moves again.

I suppose that you referred to the game between you and hwk2 that started 1 nov 2007

with the moves:

1.d4 d5 2.c4 e6 3.Nc3 Bb4 4.cxd5 exd5 5.Bd2 Bxc3 6.Bxc3 Nf6 7.Nf3 O-O 8.e3 Nc6 9.Bd3 a6 10.O-O Bg4 11.h3 Bh5 12.Qb3 b5 13.Rac1 Qd7 14.Nh4 Rfe8

In this case the problem is probably solved since you castled on the tenth move.

I can't help but wonder . . .

"What the hell was I thinking?"

JAJA

[url]http://bitwa-na-sniezki.pl/785234e[/url]

SPLAT! :P

Your search - http://bitwa-na-sniezki.pl/785234e - did not match any documents.

This is the correct link.

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. 'This is fantastic,' thought the gentleman. 'I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.'

Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word that ends in 'unt' are refers to a woman?" Only one word leapt to mind... a vulgar one. 'I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another,' thought the gentleman. Then, it hit him. He turned to the Pope and said, "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."

"Of course!" exclaimed the Pope. "I don't suppose you happen to have an eraser? "

I don't deserve the death penalty (Wai Hang Mi?)

Here are some of the questions and answers to an examination paper in chess that was given some time ago by Siegbert Tarrasch.

Q: What is the object of playing a gambit opening?

A: To acquire a reputation of being a dashing player at the cost of losing a game.

Q: Account briefly for the popularity of the Queen Pawn Opening in matches of a serious nature.

A: Laziness.

Q: What is the duty of an umpire where a player willfully upsets the board?

A: Remove the bottle.

Q: What exceptional circumstances will justify the stopping of clocks during a tournament game?

A: Strangling a photographer.

And here are some of my favorite chess quotes, enjoy!

Am I not a chess idiot? – Ossip Bernstein

"There's nothing funny about losing a game of chess...unless you lose to a man in a clown costume."

-GM Ivan Tovin

Who's the Real Bigot? Mel Gibson or Sarah Silverman?

On Friday's "Real Time with Bill Maher," Silverman expounding on her anti-theism by introducing a new video wherein she offered a solution to solve world hunger: "Sell the Vatican, Feed the World."

Read more:

http://vodpod.com/watch/2321896-sell-the-vatican-feed-the-world

The Pope sent an envoy with blessings from the Almighty, and a few words of advice. “Feed the hungry,â€â€ said His Eminence Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone.His role is so basic to the Church, that everyone knows the rhetorical question: “Is the pope Catholic?†(The answer is: ““Yes, because no other religion would take him!â€)Sell all the amazing real estate where churches sit and help the needy! Or let the homeless sleep inside your palatial buildings! I am so glad that very early I was able to question this whole catholic brainswashing I was submitted to. It is obvious from the Catholic parishes that I attend that we are not getting the brightest and the best priests based on the significantly poor sermons. And no faith in God will change that. Hmm, she doesn't strike me as a caffeine addict though. The double standard is sickening.

The only value that may be vaguely expressed through Silvermen is how lightly one should take anything unruly, unwed, and barren women say. Mel Gibson was intoxicated and in a very serious predicament of being physically arrested, videotaped and incarcerated by a Jew. He didn't rehearse for hours in front of a mirror, put on makeup, and plan to go on national television to verbally attack someone he's never met.At least she's drinking sugar-free!

After Gibson made his drunken remarks, he said, “I want to apologize specifically to everyone in the Jewish community for the vitriolic and harmful words that I said.†But Silverman will never apologize to Catholics for her scripted hate speech. In any event, a mirror might be handy in situations such as these! The double standard is sickening.

I'm not sure why Silverman identifies herself so strongly as a Jew. Judaism is a great religion and particularly under the Star of David. It is very hard to believe Silverman is operating under any influence of Jewish values as expressed in the Torah. Hmm, she doesn't strike me as a caffeine addict though. At least she's drinking sugar-free!

"There's nothing funny about losing a game of chess...unless you lose to a man in a clown costume."

-GM Ivan Tovin

Pope Yushi's Logic :

ONE BRIGHT DAY in the middle of the night,

two dead boys got up to fight.

Back to back they faced each other

Pulled out knives & Shot each other.

A deaf policeman heard the noise

And came and shot these two dead boys.

( If you DON'T BELIEVE this story is true,

ask the blind man he witnessed it too ).

Alvin Daigre ( Class of '55 )

Thanks for the many laughs Al !

> Class of '55

This is segregation. You should not classify kids by IQ.

Life-and-Death Example $$$

During a Papal audience, a GO player approached our dear Pope Jan Pawel II and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily check." And USCF will donate 10 million dollars to Catholic charities. Our dear Pope Jan Pawel II declined.

2 weeks later a HEX player approached our dear Pope Jan Pawel II again. This time with a 50 million-dollar offer from FIDE Again the Pope declined.

A month later the chess player offers 100 million, this time the Pope accepts. At a meeting of the Cardinals, Our dear Pope Jan Pawel II pass away, (Stones which are not alive are said to be "dead." )So, the secretary of the Vatican, a weir preacher by his testimony announces his decision in the good news/bad news in algebra format.

The good news is . . . that we have 100 million dollars for charities.

The bad news is that we lost the 2010 Phoenix Chess Systems Account and our dear Pope Jan Pawel II Resurrection Account! Suddenly, A drunken cardinal staggers into a Catholic meeting

And sits down in a confession box and shout, "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either."

Well, A priest had lost his KO Note: (A shape in which the players can alternately capture and recapture one opposing stone is called a "ko." ) And didn't know where to find it. Several minutes later, the blind man turns taps the rabbi on the shoulder and asks, "Who wrote this Czhit?"

So at the sermon next day he asked, "Has anybody got the KO?" All the men stood up.

"No! No! I mean have anybody seen the Kock (Double ko Seki?")

All the women’s folk stood up.

"No! No! What I really mean has anybody seen my ko?"

Did you do what I said?" check the note, one priest said. He says, "You have sinned."

The other said, "Well kind of, when I was reading the commandments and I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultery, I seemed to remember where I had left it."

The rest of the nuns stood up.

With a wise look on his face well beyond his years, another chess player said, "Preacher, you keep on pulling that rope and it'll all come back to ya."

The PREACHER looks surprised, "Why so cheap?" This is segregation

The Rabbi smiles, "Local kall."

Double-Ko Seki

This is called "the end of the game."

Note - Insert this where there are dots !

New Joke :

Wonder if Wakai is on Barack Obama 's advisory panel.

This Verbal tennis game is boring as hell.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WqmvMeshKeY

( If you DON'T BELIEVE this story is true,

ask the blind man he witnessed it too ).

Amazing !

My point is this: Unless one considers that there should be two or more classes of citizens, doesn't everyone have the right to be rich? If you say yes to this, the next question is: Do you want to live in a society that makes this an actual possibility for everyone, or do you want to live in a society that just promises this to everyone but can't actually deliver on that promise?

chess humor:

http://www.mouemagazine.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/knightmoves.gif

http://suffernchessclub.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/chessjokehidepieces.jpg

I is Bored!

Holy Crap !!

Pope Benedict XVI began his first visit to a Muslim country with a message of dialogue and brotherhood between Christians and Muslims in an attempt to ease anger over his perceived criticism of Islam. Visiting Turkey, the Pope said, ““Let us focus on what our two great religions share. Namely, we all hate the Jews.â€â€

I didn't think that many preists were allowed to be in the same place at once. Who's going to conduct the masses in the US?

On Sunday, the Pope said he is "deeply sorry for the reactions" to his comments about Islam. He then mumbled something about Jews being "way cooler" about the Holocaust.

Pope Benedict XVI is in Scotland. In an innovative move to reach more people, his Holiness is offering special "paypal blessings."

There can be no Statute of Limitations connected with the living death that we Sexually Victimized Children of the Church must endure. As a childhood Victim of sexual violation by a Roman Catholic Priest (not the priest mentioned in this article) I grew up with the memory of every perverse thing that an ordained pedophile catholic priest had done to me; but , I never spoke of it, not even to myself. It took approximately 45 years, in which I had endured sleepless nights, nightmares when I did sleep, 2 failed marriages, violent unexpected flash backs and at least one suicide attempt, before I could find the courage to speak out about the filthy things this priest forced on me. I was the first person to openly say the name of my perpetrator but, once I had, the dominos started to fall; and then, one after another his other Victims started coming forward. Today, this long dead ordained pedophile monster has been profiled for over 200 Victims. The few files and personnel records that have been uncovered so far, tell the tale of a criminally conspiratorial hierarchy who, through their depraved indfference, allowed this Monster sexually butcher his way from parish to parish, from Victim to Victim.

Pueblo District Judge Larry Schwartz ruled last week that two alleged sexual-abuse victims of defrocked Catholic priest William Groves can have a jury trial.

http://www.dailycomedy.com/videos/532

As part of an investigation the body of American chess champion Bobby Fischer was exhumed. Out of respect, the body was only moved diagonally.

Don't tell me that Bobby had another secret...he used to be a Bishop!

victoriag says:

September 11, 2009 at 7:13 pmThere can be no Statute of Limitations connected with the living death that we Sexually Victimized Children of the Church must endure. As a childhood Victim of sexual violation by a Roman Catholic Priest (not the priest mentioned in this article) I grew up with the memory of every perverse thing that an ordained pedophile catholic priest had done to me; but , I never spoke of it, not even to myself. It took approximately 45 years, in which I had endured sleepless nights, nightmares when I did sleep, 2 failed marriages, violent unexpected flash backs and at least one suicide attempt, before I could find the courage to speak out about the filthy things this priest forced on me. I was the first person to openly say the name of my perpetrator but, once I had, the dominos started to fall; and then, one after another his other Victims started coming forward. Today, this long dead ordained pedophile monster has been profiled for over 200 Victims. The few files and personnel records that have been uncovered so far, tell the tale of a criminally conspiratorial hierarchy who, through their depraved indfference, allowed this Monster sexually butcher his way from parish to parish, from Victim to Victim

http://thepulpit.freedomblogging.com/2009/09/08/pueblo-judge-rules-that-priest-should-stand-trial-for-alleged-sexual-abuse/2757/

@Andrew-Villasante........i dont get how that is a joke?...

Andrew-Villasante is just a troll. He's certainly not here to play games, if you look at his profile: http://www.littlegolem.net/jsp/info/player.jsp?plid=3286 . Just ignore him and he'll get bored.

He has the doubtful record of having lost a game of go with 525 moves.

http://www.littlegolem.net/jsp/game/game.jsp?gid=411279

white didn't help, either ;o)

Oh, man, I haven't seen that game before - it's a classic!

There's a certain beauty to it, like the intricate pattern of a mold growing on the cheese you left in the fridge before you went away for a 2 week holiday.

He has the doubtful record of having a draw a game of chess with 174 moves.

http://www.littlegolem.net/jsp/game/game.jsp?gid=83848

WOW!! Oh, man, I haven't seen that game before - it's a classic!

CHECK

#83848 Kingprawn 1940 chess.ch.4.1.1 Chess 347 draw

#83840 Iwan 2168 chess.ch.4.1.1 Chess 107 draw

#83831 Mightyking 1738 chess.ch.4.1.1 Chess 89 lost

#66360 Tiago Vinhoza 1362 Chess Chess 0 win

#66359 Tiago Vinhoza 1362 Chess Chess 0 win

#66356 taxi 1500 Chess Chess 0 win

#66353 Tiago Vinhoza 1362 Chess Chess 1 win

All

All games in text

Did you do what I said?" check the note, one pope said. He says, "You have sinned."

That's funny because my definition of humour is not like that at all. I understand that makes it difficult to accept the 'chess sense of life'. Why should there be a chess sense? Who said so? Making up the idea that there has to be something just because it can't be there is nothing, is just suppressing check reality. Out of respect, the body was only moved diagonally.

Double-Ko Seki

This is called "the end of the game."

i think jokes are supposed to be simple and funny....not some mind excerise of an hour to finally get the joke.....

i personally think that thinking so called "jokes" are lame...

Oh this is a god joke!

As a real D&B player I can't believe you do not enjoy to think deep...

In fact this is meta-joke, this whole topic is The Joke (hope this help).

ok,whatever mr. brainiac...

and as for D&B, i personally think its easier than understanding these lame jokes